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Online Dating Etiquette - Part 2

by Eran Malloch

Continued on from part 1...

Online Dating Etiquette Tip #8: The Dynamics of The First Date

Most of the mistakes are made in the first date, which usually means there isn't a 2nd date!

Here's a few I have made, or learned about the hard way:

Remember the K.I.S.S. principle (Keep It Simple Stupid). Make the first date something simple, like meeting for a coffee for 1 hour. That way, if they turn out to be the date from hell (or they think you are!), then either of you can do a runner quickly, without being locked into something drastic. Also, don't go to a movie or a show. How the heck are you going to be able to TALK to each other, to find out what they are like???

Guys, it may be an old-world gentlemanly tradition, but resist the temptation to take a lady out to a fancy restaurant and buy her expensive flowers/gifts on the first date. K.I.S.S. - Trust me on this one.

Ladies, if a guy is a gentleman and doesn't follow my instructions then at least have the good manners to thank him for a lovely night, and for paying for the meal, etc. I'm consistently amazed at how often that has happened to me. It doesn't matter whether you want to see him again or not - just show some manners. Actually, this equally applies to guys who are taken on dates by their lady.

NEVER, under any circumstances, have sex on the first date (men or women)! Trust me when I say that if a serious relationship with the partner of your dreams is your chief goal, then leave the sex until a little later. Don't let lust cloud your judgement, because it only ever leads to grief. A kiss goodbye is fine though...

Understand that the true objective of the first "date" is NOT to meet the partner of your dreams, but to decide if you like this person enough (and they feel the same about you) to meet again for a 2nd date. Keep things fun and casual - enjoy yourself, because even if you don't fall in love, you may make a new best friend!

You don't fall in love on the first date, no matter how stunningly attractive your date is - AND - if you do think you have fallen in love on the first date, it's actually lust. A complex series of chemical reactions and mental/emotional connections is what makes you THINK you are in love. Trust me when I tell you it's not love. Love takes time to develop and is totally worth the time and effort.

Online Dating Etiquette Tip #9: SWSWSW Next!

Bet you're wondering what the heck this means?!?!?!

Simple - it stands for "Some Will, Some Won't, So What. Next!"

It's the attitude you NEED to keep foremost in your mind when you start online dating, because I can GUARANTEE you are going to hit some snags along the journey. And, when you hit those snags (and one day I will probably write a book about the snags I hit over the years), then you NEED something aside from pure willpower to keep you going.

What does SWSWSW actually mean? Simply, it means some of the prospective partners you meet will be good candidates, and hopefully one of them will even turn into the partner of your dreams... and some of them won't be good candidates! The key is, when they are a NO, you have to take the attitude of "So What!", and move onto the next prospective candidate (Next!).

My favourite saying to myself AND my friends when they have been out there online dating is: "You only need to meet ONE right person! All the rest don't matter..."

If that's the case, then you should keep in mind that some of the people you chat to, email with, or even meet for a date, will turn out to be NOT RIGHT FOR YOU! Pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself down, and move on to the next one. At the end of the day, it's the only way to keep sane when things seem like they are going downhill faster than an anvil falling from 20,000 ft!

Remember, you CAN recover from it, so just keep on keeping on, and remember SWSWSW Next!, and you'll be a relationship winner in time.

Online Dating Etiquette Tip #10: Do's and Don'ts of Winning That Someone Special.

By itself, this topic could take up a 20 chapter book and probably still require more content, but we don't have that much space, so here's some killers I can personally vouch for.

Don't be desperate. There is ALWAYS another person for you to meet. ALWAYS someone who could be as good a partner as the one you are checking out now. So, don't gush all over them on day one, and tell them you love them on day two, or ask them when they would like to meet your family and friends on day three. 1 step at a time, tiger... Nothing puts a prospective partner off like desperation - it's about as sexy as hemorrhoids.

Don't spend all the time talking about yourself. Ask them questions about themselves and LISTEN to their answers. People LIKE people who want to know about them, as opposed to telling someone all about themselves. Don't be so self-indulgent that you dominate the conversation with your self centred anecdotes, because all you'll do is show yourself to be egotistical and/or having a really poor self image. Neither trait is attractive. The classic Dale Carnegie self-help book "How To Win Friends And Influence People" is brilliant for giving you some good ideas on how to do this well.

Online Dating Etiquette Tip #11: Learn About Yourself And What Makes Relationships Work.

I will make you a promise right here and now, even though I don't know you, and I guarantee you that I will be 100% correct every time!

That promise is this: Most of the problems you have in any relationship will be because of hidden baggage in your head and/or your partner's head... AND, the only way to deal with these problems is to communicate openly (see the next point) and help each other deal with these issues.

The worst part of this is that USUALLY you or your partner will not be fully aware of these hidden "relationship landmines", but you will keep stepping on each other's mines over time, and if there's one thing that's guaranteed to destroy a relationship, it's fighting and dissatisfaction with each other, which is the typical outcome of exploding relationship landmines.

In my opinion, one of the very BEST books you could ever read on this subject, as a way to help you understand what makes you and your partner tick is: "Keeping The Love You Find - A Single Person's Guide To Achieving Lasting Love" by Dr. Harville Hendrix.

Dr Hendrix has also written a similar book for Couples - I haven't read that yet (but did give a copy of it as a wedding present!), but if it's half as good as this one was, I recommend all couples buy it and read it together.

No, I don't know Dr Hendrix, but what I do know is that this book made a huge difference in my life, and if it helps even one other person like it helped me, then it will have been worthwhile telling you about it.

Online Dating Etiquette Tip #12: Communication Makes It All Work.

This last point is really the BIG ONE (!) that can make or break a relationship.

You see, without open and honest communication between 2 people in a relationship, the chances of that relationship lasting and both people being happy and fulfilled in it is a big FAT ZERO!!!

The real challenge is that communication is NOT easy for some people. They don't like discussing their feelings and thoughts, especially if they feel those topics will bring up strong emotional feelings of pain or discomfort for them.

Every single person out there has an issue (or more than one) hidden below the surface, and until we can identify that issue, we can't deal with it. However, if this issue causes a problem within a relationship, then you will need to learn to communicate with your partner in an open and honest manner, in order to help them understand why you say and do the things you do.

Understanding the issue is the first step to dealing with these hidden problems, and that comes from communication between two people. If one partner is NOT open to communication, you'll eventually find the relationship will NOT work, so choose carefully when it comes to picking your dream partner. An open honest communicator is much more important that someone who looks good or is rich, etc.

Get help if you have problems with communication. There are PLENTY of great resources available, via book, tape, seminar, therapy and on the Internet. Just remember that no matter how strong the pain is, it will be far worse if you don't deal with the issue at the root of this, and that will require you to be a great communicator (luckily, this is a learned skill and anyone can learn it!)

OK, well I hope these 12 online dating etiquette tips help you find the partner of your dreams. Being in love is special and something I wish for ALL of my readers. All the best for that next date, and remember... SWSWSW Next! :)

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